…At least, that’s what it feels like.
You pour your heart into this adorable wide-eyed girl, carry her for nine months, pray over her, cheer for her, buy the snacks she likes, make the house feel safe – and suddenly she’s rolling her eyes at you like you’re a WiFi network that keeps disconnecting. Or answering in the shortest of mono-syllables in that low perplexing voice that has you repeating, “pardon?” because you barely heard her.
If you’ve ever stood outside your teen’s door wondering, “what did I do wrong?” , you are not alone.
First things first, take a deep breath.
It is possible nobody has ever told you this hard truth, so here goes: most of the time, it is NOT about you. (Read this as many times as you need to so it sinks in)
Teenage years sometimes come with a storm of hormones, identity formation, social pressure, feelings of insecurity, self-discovery, and emotional overload. It could be your daughter is simply trying to figure out who she is, while not having the emotional vocabulary to explain any of it to you.
So who does she take it out on?
The safest person in her world: you.
Honestly, it doesn’t mean that she hates you; it only means she trusts you enough to be without filters when she is with you.
But, boy, does it hurt?! I know… I know…
It hurts when she snaps.
It hurts when she shuts down.
It hurts when you see the imaginary talk to the hand sign in your face.
It hurts when she prefers her friends.
It hurts when she acts like she doesn’t need you.
That ache is real. Don’t minimize it.
But also, don’t let it define your relationship with her.
Don’t allow it make you feel like your little girl is gone. She is still there, I promise.
So what do you do?
i. Don’t take those mood swings personally.
I can imagine you saying, easier said than done… Sure. But remind yourself: This is development, not disrespect.
She is going through a process. She is trying to separate, stretch, and form her own shape.
ii. Stay consistent.
Be the steady ground beneath her shifting emotions.
I understand. Your hormones have their raging days too. And you want to react sometimes. But, remember, you don’t need to be perfect, just present.
iii. Set boundaries, kindly, but firmly
You see, you both need to understand that while she is allowed to deal with all her feelings, she still needs structure.
“Emotions are okay, disrespect is not.”
Love + firmness = safety.
Stay kind, but firm. There are lines here that mustn’t crossed.
iv. Keep connecting in small ways.
It may be a late-night snack together.
A car ride playlist.
A show you watch.
A hug she pretends she doesn’t like. We all know that squirm!
Teens open up sideways, not head-on.
Keep connecting with her.
v. Pray for her quietly and LOUDLY.
Pray, for her heart.
Pray, for her identity.
Pray, for her friendships.
Pray, for her confidence.
And while you are at it, pray for your patience and wisdom too.
vi. Don’t pull away.
When she withdraws, your instinct may be to also step back emotionally. Heck, you are tired yourself and need all the love and support you can get. But, resist the urge to pull away, to ignore her. Remember, this is when she needs your steadiness the most.

Through it all, remember there is hope. There really is light at the end of the tunnel

Your daughter doesn’t hate you. She is evolving. She is shedding childhood, learning responsibility, observing the world with curiousity, handling puberty, and reaching toward womanhood. ALL AT ONCE.
But she will not always be this version of herself.
One day, she will look back and see the mother who stayed.
The mother who listened.
The mother who didn’t react in fear.
The mother who loved her through the transition.
And she will come back, not as a child, but as a young woman who finally understands.
Mama, you are doing better than you think.
Hold your ground with grace.
Your daughter is growing, but so are you. 💛 💛 💛 💛