Dear Newly married Wife,
You waited for this moment. You visualized it. You even prayed about it.
Perhaps, you honoured God and chose to abstain before marriage. You imagined the moment would be magical, effortless-like fireworks lighting up the sky. If you were anything like me, you painted so many pictures: making love to the rhythm of romantic songs, candlelit bedrooms every single night. (I giggle at the sheer naiveté!), honey and whipped cream being licked off your sensitive parts morning, noon, and night, or multiple orgasms and out-of-this-world experiences!
But now? It’s awkward. Uncomfortable. Maybe even painful. And you’re wondering, ‘Is something wrong with me? With us? What am I not doing right? Was waiting a mistake?!’
Breathe, girl. You’re not alone.

Hollywood didn’t prepare you for the learning curve of intimacy in marriage and in your sex life. (Yes, there is a learning curve of sexual intimacy – just like with anything else you need to master). And here’s the truth: it gets better. With time, patience, a genuine desire to please each other, and a little wisdom, you’ll find your unique rhythm.
So, let’s talk. I mean, REALLY talk.
What are the issues?
May I amuse you with the ‘discovery’ that all those deep, unspoken worries you have aren’t unique to you? Sometimes you feel embarrassed to even think them. Maybe you wonder if you’re a good wife. Maybe this whole marriage business isn’t really your thing after all. And so, you endure silent guilt.
You don’t agree with me? You think it is just with you. Okay, read on and see if nothing resonates, because these issues are not peculiar to just you!
Issue 1: He’s always ready to have sex, and I’m not!
No one told you (and you never thought) that sometimes – truth be told, a lot of times- you’d rather sleep than be in the mood. Or that you’d rather snuggle and just be cozy with him than go through the whole nine yards of sex! No one told you that your body and mind don’t always sync when it comes to sex or that he could be ready instantly while you’re still trying to decide if you even want to couple.
Suggested solution: Don’t force it. Instead, focus on being intimate beyond sex. What do I mean? Try a slow, passionate kiss. Share a joke and laugh together. Give an intentional touch or guide his hands to stroke you in a way he may not realize arouses you. (Did I see you cringe? Relax, girl. He is all yours-no shyness or pretense here.) You can fan the flames of desire this way, and usually, this will get you in the mood.

“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” – Song of Solomon 2:7

Issue 2: Sex is painful. I don’t know what’s fun about it!
You heard it could be painful at first, but nobody told you how painful or how long the pain might last. It’s been weeks, maybe months, and you still find it painful, icky, and just plain uncomfortable.
Painful sex can be caused by:

  • Tension when your body isn’t fully relaxed. For most women, sex is a mind thing, not just a physical act. If your mind isn’t relaxed, neither is your body-you’ll be all tense.
  • Not enough foreplay. Remember the kisses and caressing I mentioned earlier? Girl, foreplay isn’t a suggestion; it’s a necessity. It helps with dryness (which, if ignored, can cause painful bruising!).
  • Hormonal dryness. Maybe you’re on contraceptives, or your body just doesn’t naturally produce enough moisture. Don’t panic.

(Very Necessary disclaimer: I am not a coupling expert. These are just suggestions based on discussions I’ve had with women like you and me and, um… some of my experiences. Feel free to add yours!)
Suggested solution: Don’t rush sex. Your husband should be patient with you. Try using a water-based lubricant (though some women find them irritating). Also, diet helps! Remember the famous tiger nuts and dates juice? Natural and oh-so-healthy aphrodisiacs that boost libido and increase vaginal moisture. Watermelon, avocados, and dark chocolate help too. And if none of these are available, DRINK WATER. A lot of it.
Another tip? Change your style. Maybe missionary isn’t your thing? Who says you always have to be, um… a missionary? Girl, come up! The view is beautiful at the top! Any time you feel uncomfortable pain, picture some little children in a playground singing, “Change your style… another one…”
If the pain persists, please see a doctor. Your body was created for pleasure, not pain. If something feels off, address it – don’t endure it.

“Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit…” – 1 Corinthians 6:19

Issue 3: I can’t seem to relax while coupling!
You’re doing your thing, putting in your all, and then your mind starts screaming: Am I doing this right? Does he like it? Is he satisfied? The more you overthink, the harder it is to let go.
Quick suggestion: Stop thinking about performance; start thinking about connection. It’s called love-making for a reason. You are not on a stage performing-you are connecting with your husband. See it that way. Then, breathe and pray. (Fun fact: I was you years ago. I prayed. God answered. The rest, as they say, is history. #wink)
Invite God into every part of your marriage-including your intimacy. Watch Him make it beautiful.

Issue 4: Why does our lovemaking feel so ordinary?
Maybe you expected it to be more heated, spicy, and longer. You imagined it happening on the kitchen counter, in the shower, in the bathtub, everywhere. (Those expectations are legit-they do happen.) But in reality, it’s been a quick five-minute dash with him collapsing into peaceful slumber nanoseconds after.
Suggested solution: Discuss it. You’re newlywed – and it is way too early to be sitting on unmet expectations! Don’t stew in silence. If you’re concerned about one-sided orgasms, talk about it. If you’re concerned about constant quickies, address it. If things feel drab, be open about it. Don’t give room for the enemy to plant doubts in your mind.
Be intentional about trying new things. You waited for this moment-you are both discovering your bodies. Talk about it. I find it weird when couples feel uncomfortable discussing sex with each other.
The same way you plan your finances, plan your sex life. It will save you from unmet expectations, frustration, and unnecessary stress. And remember to laugh a little more-this isn’t an exam you fail and get kicked out of. If something is off, laugh about it, adjust, and move on.
Most importantly, what does God say about it?

God designed sexual intimacy in marriage as a gift, not a burden. He delights in your joy. If it feels like a struggle, pray about it, talk about it, and ask Him for wisdom.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24

Finally, remember that this is your journey of oneness-beautiful, growing, and uniquely yours. Don’t compare. Don’t rush. Enjoy the process. Like my husband said to me during our honeymoon, “It’s a marathon, not a 100m dash.”
No matter where you are in this journey, it will get better. Once both of you are committed to each other.

Have you felt this way? What helped you navigate it? Drop a comment or DM me. I’d love to walk this journey with you.